Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Had enough of your Schnauzer for one day. Then sit back, relax and put your feet up. You can let off a little steam here about things unrelated to your four-legged schnauzer.
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Caramomo
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by Caramomo »

Very good and very topical.... (and I just realised I have nothing to make the pancake mix with) *&%&^%. Pancake day tomorrow then!
Cara and Mo, two black mini's and Molly a black & white Heinz 57 all served by Elaine, the cook, poop picker, and chief toy thrower.
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Eddie
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by Eddie »

BELIEVE IT OR NOT.......

How good is this story


We need more Aussies like these...

PERTH - An SAS trooper collecting toys for children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in east Perth.

The 'Toys-R-Us' Store Manager told 'The West Australian' that man was seen on surveillance cameras last Friday putting a laptop under his jacket at the store.

When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled a knife and ran toward the door.



Outside were four SAS Troopers collecting toys for the "Toys For Tots" program.

Smith said the Troopers stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them, in the back.

The cut did not appear to be severe.

The suspect was transported by ambulance to the Royal Perth Hospital with two broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions and assorted lacerations including a broken nose and jaw...

Injuries he apparently sustained when he tripped whilst trying to run after the stabbing.
Graham, Judie, Eddie (19-03-07 to 25-07-12), Mouse, Daisy and little Reilly. Image
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by Guinevere »

They're tricky those stores on edge of a cliff. Serves him right
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by Guinevere »

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mil e. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying..

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other s*** too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that b*****d Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Tulip

Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by Tulip »

LOL, ahahahahahahah!
dannie_kl

Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by dannie_kl »

i was wondering where this was going but now it all makes sense lol-very good
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by Dianep »

As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.

"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.

"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.

"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.

As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I bet you are sorry you had me neutered."

[laughing]
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by Darwinsmum »

[laughing]
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Grovelea
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by Grovelea »

Leviticus Today......

On her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an “abomination” according to Leviticus 18 : 22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative :



Dear Dr. Laura :

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18 : 22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.

Leviticus 25 : 44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21 : 7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev.15 : 19-24). The problem is…how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev.1 : 9). The problem is…my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35 : 2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11 : 10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?
Lev. 21 : 20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19 : 27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11 : 6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19 : 19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24 : 10-16). Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20 : 14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus

Dept. of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education

University of Virginia
have the courage to stand up for what you believe to be right, even if everyone else is sitting down, as long as you are prepared to be hammered for it.
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by black beard »

Very good!
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by Grovelea »

I went for my Annual check up recently, everything seemed to be going well untill he stuck his finger up my b*m!

Do you think I should change my Dentist?
have the courage to stand up for what you believe to be right, even if everyone else is sitting down, as long as you are prepared to be hammered for it.
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by BBG »

I was still giggling over the Leviticus and had just had a slurp of coffee when I came to your last post Sue. Rufus came to investigate the choking noise and is now cleaning the coffee off the floor!
daisys_mummy

Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by daisys_mummy »

How to Please a Woman:

Be faithful
Love her
Caress and kiss her
Do little things to make her happy
Shower her with gifts
Hold her hand
Compliment her
Go to the ends of the earth for her
Tell others your proud of her
Put her before all others
Share with her
Fight for her
Never let her down




How to please a man:

Show up naked
Bring beer
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BBG
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by BBG »

WARNING EMAIL!


If you receive a junk email claiming to contain a nude picture of Cherie Blair, under no circumstances should you open it.

Apparently it contains a nude picture of Cherie Blair!







Well it tickled my funny bone!
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